Playing Piano for Strangers for the First Time
I started piano lessons as an adult nearly two years ago, and now I've had my first recital which created a lot of reflection on my piano journey thus far.
This month is my almost two year anniversary of starting piano lessons. And I decided to celebrate by doing the scariest thing imaginable: playing in front of strangers. Not to mention that most of my piano-playing peers are children that are far superior in skill, which does wonders for the ego in terms of humbling.
I had actually put off participating in any recitals since I started playing because frankly I am a sweaty and anxious piano player. I’m playing hot-cross buns level at 30 years old. I get that it’s all part of the learning process and yeah everyone starts somewhere, but I’m still an adult that cares too much what other people think. So I procrastinated and hemmed and hawed whenever the time came (about three times each year) before I wrote in my 2024 resolution to finally perform in at least one recital.
I, rightfully, worried about my nerves. I still struggle to play in front of my piano teacher, who might actually be the nicest woman I’ve ever met, let alone had as a teacher. I’m one of two adults that she teaches and I actually feel very lucky to be supported and understood by her. There has only ever been the good kind of pressure from her to participate (‘this is good for your development’ or whatever). But she’s also had her own experiences and struggles with performance anxiety, so she never presses hard on it. But at last I decided to pull out the big girl pants and put my brave face on.
I picked a piece about six weeks before the recital. A rendition of “Singin’ in the Rain”, which is one of my favorite musicals. It was challenging. Eventually I had to drop other pieces I was working on and exclusively practice this. I also practiced religiously everyday. Working measure by measure. I struggle with eighth notes, reading music, and using both hands, so you can imagine the practice needed. It paid off though. I felt really confident about the piece and practiced it so much I was ready to be done with it.
I hadn’t really been nervous until I arrived at the recital. I was the third to play and I’m glad because there were about 20 other students there. Few things would have been worse than sitting there sweating with nerves before finally reaching my turn. When I got up to play, I said my name and piece and sat down at the mini grand for the first time.
As soon as I looked at the music, my vision began to tunnel. I looked down at my hands to find my starting points. And then it was off. I played and didn’t consciously read a single note of music. I messed up exactly three times, but by some miracle I kept going. My hands actually trembled on the keys, as if I had just had the biggest wave of adrenaline shoot through me. I remember thinking, wow, my hands (those are my hands?) are shaking uncontrollably. Then it was over. Weeks of practice, hours at the keys and in lessons, and it was all done now.
I got up and took my bow, then sat back down in my seat. I had made it. Then I could feel water in my eyes as the next student started to play and my emotions started to come down. I felt an incredible sense of accomplishment and like wow everyone here is playing the most beautiful stuff and has worked so hard to get here, and I’m one of them. It was spiritual and warming. One of those moments of being beautiful humans together. Like those times when you’re like oh yeah, people are awesome and I’m awesome and being alive is truly wonderful in this moment. Things that actually keep me living and going on.
I’m getting weepy and celebratory over a beginner adult piano piece. But I love that! It represents so much for me. I feel like I’m growing and it’s hard to find those moments when I breach the monotony of adulthood. It feels different and better and alive. Expression of music and creativity, in particular, are such vulnerable and cathartic experiences for me. On top of that is meeting and achieving a goal that I’ve worked so hard on and mentally prepared for for so long. It is an event! A life event!
I have enjoyed playing piano, and I plan on year three of lessons. There are many more pieces and many more challenges ahead in my piano journey. I count getting a keyboard and finding a teacher and going to my first lesson and every lesson after and every practice session, each as challenges, but I think the recital was a milestone challenge. Reaching the next phase in my experience.
I mentioned earlier that this has been a humbling experience for me. I’ve had many adults whom I share that I’m taking piano lessons be in awe (as in how do you have the time, and how do you do that as an adult? Isn’t that for kids?). And my kind teacher always makes me blush when she says I’m inspiring (she really is that nice), but I appreciate it for many reasons. It’s hard to look at oneself and find anything inspiring. Confidence is always WIP. But I feel inspired by myself when I complete these challenging goals. When I feel like I’m doing the things I want to do. Because that really was how I was able to meet these challenges and start lessons. I wanted to prove to myself and, at least in this instance, be able to know that I won’t have regrets. It’s so easy to want to do something, to regret not doing something. The real challenge lies in actually doing it.