Secret Lives of Mormon Wives: Reflections on Leaving Mormonism

I love how real reality TV is sometimes.

I know there was a lot of chatter and discussion when Hulu’s Secret Lives of Mormon Wives aired on Sept 6. I had been dying to watch it since seeing the explosive trailer. Season 2 has recently been announced, coming Spring 2025. I wanted to write and talk about it immediately, but I also felt like I needed to sit on it for some time. As someone who left Mormonism about 8 years ago, I had a lot of feelings about everything happening in the show. Reality TV, for all its dramatization, is still rooted in reality, and I felt no different about SLOMW.

I love tv that gives me a visceral reaction, which is what I think made this a really solid reality show. With my personal ties to Mormonism, there were endless thoughts and feelings.

I think I need to start with my story of leaving the church. Which, really, is not very dramatic at all. I was raised in the Mormon church, much of my family was part of the church. Some family members were more devout than others, and there are a lot of rules to follow, so devoutness varies widely in the church. I did not grow up in Utah Mormon culture, which is different. I would say that my PNW location was and is a more “traditional” Mormon experience than what you might see on SLOMW, following pretty closely to the strict rules.

There was no defining or dramatic moment for me leaving. I don’t even feel like I spent a lot of time deconstructing my beliefs with the church, because for a long, long time I knew that I didn’t believe in it. I never got any special feelings--often referred to as feeling the Holy Ghost’s confirmation, meaning “you know the church is true”. I never had any real testimony of truth regarding any of the teachings. But I was culturally conditioned to be in the church and act in accordance with the church’s rules. It is hard to not be in it when you have family and friends in it. When you’ve been told all your life this is the “right” way to live.

So despite all my less than enthusiastic feelings regarding the church, I plodded along. I went to BYU-Idaho for my undergraduate, married in the temple by 21, and went to church every week while there. Once my husband and I graduated from BYU-I, we moved back to our hometown, and I would say that is about when we started to gradually leave the church. We slowly stopped going to church. And then soon, we never went back. That was pretty much it.

I don’t even think we thought about it too intentionally. Of course, that didn’t stop family members from noticing. I’ve had the fun experience of family and friends asking why I wasn’t wearing my garments (have you ever experienced someone asking you about your underwear to pass judgment? It’s really weird!!). I’ve had missionaries sent to our house. Even had church leaders reach out via text just to “check in”. And successively spent a lot of time dodging all of that and more in our departure.

These days, I feel it is more common to announce leaving the church in a lengthy Facebook post, which I always cheer for, but just wasn’t our style at the time. I have never regretted leaving. I am also extremely grateful that I chose a partner who had similar values, experiences, and could go through this particular experience with me. I know that doesn’t always happen when making a serious change like this.

I personally went through a lot of anger and feelings of regret when it came to reflecting on my time within the church and its institutions. I felt cheated out of a lot of experiences that I wasn’t allowed to participate in. But I’ve also had enough time to make peace about it. It was something I went through, and now I’m done. I’m more grateful that I was able to get out of it because I worry that if certain things hadn’t aligned, I might still be there.

So truly, I had a lot of fun watching SLOMW. It’s fun to see such a weird culture on display. Something that I was part of and experienced similarly, but also very differently. It’s kind of a throwback to see some of these things that are so normal in Mormon culture.

Still, I carry many uneasy feelings about it. Particularly around what makes a “good” Mormon, something I always wrestled with because I wanted to fit in but never could get there. Of course, the Jen and Zach insanely abusive relationship is also very triggering, mostly because I could have had that had I made different choices. The shame culture is so strong, that even 8 years removed I could still feel it watching these women. More than anything that I felt during my watch, though, was thank god that’s not me.

Though it may be projection, I felt like I could see some of these women struggle in similar ways I had. Being a woman in a patriarchal religious organization like this one is not fun at times. And even though they try to make the case that they are trying to bring feminism and modernism to the church by their actions (promoting sex toys, being the breadwinners), I can’t be optimistic that their efforts will actually make real change. I have pretty black and white beliefs when it comes to the Mormon church which is that you can’t be half in without in some way still supporting such an oppressive and controlling organization. Additionally, I’m not sure I’m in agreement that the ways they choose to “be feminists” and “empower women” are either genuine or true forms of feminism. But I digress.

To me, the show was a really good display of how we tell ourselves stories to justify staying. Staying in bad relationships, bad organizations, a way to cope or hide from confrontation. There were too many sinister undertones for me to ignore them. Still, I appreciated the conversations that came from this--another reason that I believe reality tv is more than just glib entertainment. I’m looking forward to what Season 2 will bring!